When someone you care about is grieving, it’s natural to want to help. But awkwardness and fear of saying the wrong things often lead us to platitudes and clichés that aren’t helpful, and often aren’t even what we mean. Grief is not a problem to be fixed. It’s a human experience that needs space, empathy, and time.
Grieving people don’t need the right words, they need the right presence. Your willingness to sit beside them, quietly, even tearfully, says more than any well-meaning phrase ever could.
Here are five common phrases to avoid, why they can be hurtful, and what you can do or say instead to truly support a grieving friend.
1. “Let’s talk about happier times.”
Why it’s unhelpful:
Out of discomfort with talking about grief, we take away the opportunity for our grieving friend to express themselves. Sometimes we don’t expressly say, “let’s talk about happier times,” but we avoid the topic of the loss altogether. We think we’re doing them a favor, not reminding them. But trust me, they are already thinking about their grief, their pain, their beloved husband, dear friend, or family member, every moment of the day. You won’t remind them, they haven’t forgotten.
This silence feels like abandonment. Like their loss is too uncomfortable to be witnessed. Like their grief load is theirs to carry alone.
What to do instead:
If you don’t know what to say, you could try saying nothing. Go for a walk with your friend and say, “Tell me about ___,” and insert the name of the person who died. Let them talk as much or as little as they want. If they get uncomfortable and you feel like you need to say something, try, “Tell me more.” Or even, “Would it help to talk about them?”
If they don’t want to talk, allow yourself to be with your friend in silence. It’s not empty. It’s presence.
2. “Everything happens for a reason.”
Why it’s unhelpful:
In times of grief, trying to make sense of loss feels like a near impossible question. Saying this phrase, especially after a senseless school shooting, a teenage daughter’s sudden illness, or a diagnosis like stage IV pancreatic cancer, sounds like spiritual gaslighting. It offers a fill in the blank explanation for something that has ripped someone’s life apart.
When your grieving friend has just returned the husband’s leased car, received another pile of unpaid bills, or taken their child to college drop off alone for the first time since their husband’s death, the last thing they want is a tidy reason for their pain. It minimizes the messy, unfixable reality of what they’re facing.
What to do instead:
Let the mystery be.
Try:
- “I don’t have the right words, but I’m here with you in this.”
Sometimes a loving gesture speaks volumes, a cup of hot coffee, a sympathy email, a note placed quietly in their mailbox, or a lovingly composed letter left on their porch.
To better understand how grief evolves and why it resists quick explanations, read Understanding Grief and the Healing Process.
3. “They’re in a better place.”
Why it’s unhelpful:
Even if your bereaved person believes in the afterlife, this phrase shifts attention away from their pain now. Grieving people want their person here. Right here. Making breakfast. Laughing at bad jokes. Coaching soccer like a good old dad coach. They don’t want philosophical consolation, they want their person back.
To a widow hurting from the loss of her beloved husband, this feels like an erasure. To a mother whose imagined losing her own children, this feels unbearable.
What to do instead:
Focus on their grief, not theology.
Try:
- “I can’t imagine how much you miss them. What do you miss the most today?”
Let them take you to their grief island, where emotions are singularly theirs, and where your presence can be the raft that helps them untangle grief on their own schedule.
4. “I know exactly how you feel.”
Why it’s unhelpful:
No. You don’t. Even if you’ve walked a similar path, this is their journey. Their pain. Their old friend, their own children, their loved one’s pain. Grief is personal, shaped by history, regrets, and the curious lack of fairness in how people die young, while others live a long life.
This statement, though well-meaning, often becomes a pivot toward our own personal experiences. And worse, it might make your grieving friend feel unseen, unheard, and unsupported.
What to do instead:
Try:
- “I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but I’m here to listen.”
Let them cry. Let them rage. Let them whisper “Why me?” into their tea while you sit there, holding space and holding back the urge to fix it. Remember: you are not the solution. You are the caring friend, the helpful friend, the one who doesn’t need to give answers, just presence.
5. “You need to stay strong.”
Why it’s unhelpful:
This phrase is a cultural trap. It demands a brave face when someone’s soul is unraveling. It’s rooted in discomfort with expressing someone’s emotions. In truth, falling apart is a valid, vital part of grieving. This phrase, and its cousins like “you’re doing so well”, land as pressure to perform strength.
When a friend told me, “You’re so strong,” after I answered the door teary eyed forced to explain why I missed her calls, I didn’t feel supported, I felt dismissed.
What to do instead:
Say:
- “It’s okay to fall apart. You don’t have to be strong with me.”
And mean it. Sit with their sobs. Bring tissues, but don’t reach for them unless asked. Stay. Don’t rush. Don’t tidy. Just be.
“Different people follow different paths through the grieving experience. The order and timing of these phases may vary from person to person… These differences are normal.” — Mayo Clinic: Complicated Grief
So, What Should You Do?
Supporting a grieving friend isn’t about the right phrases. It’s about consistent, compassionate presence. When my one helpful friend remembered the anniversary of my loss, it meant more than the 100 texts I got the week of the funeral. When one dear friend made a recurring phone alert for the date of my husband’s death, she didn’t need to say much, she just texted, “Thinking of you today.” And that helped me breathe.
“Social support can be one of the most significant factors to recovery.” — Healthline
Here’s how to help:
Be Present
Sit beside them. Say nothing. Let the silence hold space for sorrow. Drop off soup or flowers without knocking.
Leave a carefully carved note:
- “No need to answer. Just thinking of you. I’m here when you need.”
Offer Specific Help
Instead of: “Let me know if you need anything.”
Try:
- “I’m free Wednesday at 2 PM. Can I do your laundry or walk your dog?”
- “I’m at the store, text me your list.”
Keep in mind: Even few grieving people have the energy to ask. They’re drowning. Be specific. Be consistent. Be considerate.
Keep Showing Up
Don’t vanish after the funeral. The pain lingers, and the support often fades. Set reminders to check in. Visit again at three months. At the six-month mark. On the birthday. On the college drop off day. On the wedding anniversary. On no special day at all. These small gestures show your friend that their grief matters even when the world has moved on.
For more practical ways to support someone long after the initial loss, see Coping with Grief and Loss: Navigating Life’s Challenges.
Say Their Loved One’s Name
Don’t let them feel like their person has disappeared. Mention the name. Share a story.
- “I saw someone wearing his old team jersey today and it reminded me of your stories about him.”
- “She was such a good person. I loved how she laughed.”
That name? That story? That moment? It can bring laughter through tears. It can make a grieving person feel less alone.
But What If I Already Said the Wrong Thing?
It’s okay. You’re human. We all are. If you realize you said something off putting or unintended, own it.
You can say:
- “I read something recently about what not to say to someone grieving, and I realized I might’ve said the wrong thing. I’m really sorry. I meant to help, not hurt.”
Radical acceptance starts with owning our missteps and choosing to show up better the next time.
If you or your friend feels stuck in grief or unsure how to move forward, professional help is available. Learn more about Grief Counseling and How It Can Help.
Final Thoughts
When someone is grieving, they don’t need perfect words or tidy answers. They need connection. A caring friend. Someone who dares to sit in the tough stuff and whisper, “You are not alone.”
There’s no one-size-fits-all timeline for grief. Each person will process pain in their own way, and that’s okay. Some will seek a grief counselor immediately. Others will store condolence cards in a shoebox and revisit them when ready. Some will cry watching The Lion King, and whisper, “I still feel Simba’s pain.” Others will find healing in journaling, yoga, or simply surviving one breath at a time.
When your grieving friend says, “I’m not okay,” don’t rush them toward okay. Just walk beside them. Bring light when the darkness is too heavy. And remember: Your job is not to fix grief. It’s to accompany it.
You Don’t Have to Face Grief Alone
Whether you’re supporting a grieving friend or walking through loss yourself, Crossroads Collective is here for you. Our compassionate team of therapists offers guidance, space, and healing without judgment, because no one should face grief in isolation.
- Learn more about who we are and how we walk beside people through their hardest seasons.
- Ready to talk? Reach out to us today, no pressure, just support.
- Or take a moment to explore all that Crossroads Collective offers to help you or your loved ones begin healing, one small step at a time.
Frequently Asked Questions: How to Support a Grieving Friend
What if I already said something the wrong way?
Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Well meaning friends often say things with love that land the wrong way. If you’ve already said something that might have hurt or felt off, just be honest.
You can say:
- “I realize my words may not have helped, and I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
That small apology can mean the world. What matters most is that you show you’re still here.
Why do some people find comforting words off putting?
Grief is personal and intense. Even kind words can feel uncomfortable or find off putting if they seem like quick fixes. Saying things like “They’re in a better place” or “Time heals” might sound like a brush-off, even if they’re meant with kindness.
Instead of offering a fix, dig deep and sit with their pain. The most helpful thing is usually your presence, not polished words.
How can I avoid saying something with an unintended response?
Before speaking, ask yourself: Is this for them or for me? Phrases like “Stay strong” or “Everything happens for a reason” often cause an unintended response because they shift the focus off the person’s pain and onto your comfort.
Instead, try a basic question like:
- “How are you feeling today?”
- “Would you like to talk about them?”
Let them lead.
What do I do if I feel compelled to say something but don’t know what?
It’s okay to feel the urge to fill the silence. Many of us feel compelled to fix grief, but grief isn’t a problem. It’s a process.
If you’re unsure, a helpful friend showed us that silence, a kind touch, or a simple, “I’m here” is enough. You don’t need big speeches. You just need to show up.
What are the helpful do’s when someone is grieving?
Here are a few helpful do’s:
- Do send messages that don’t require a response: “Thinking of you today.”
- Do check in more than once. Grief lingers long after the bad news fades.
- Do use the person’s name and share memories.
- Do show up in quiet, consistent ways, like meals, errands, or short phone calls.
Why does grief change so much from day to day?
Grief isn’t a straight path, it’s a winding road. Some days are calm. Others feel like freefall. This is totally normal. Grief changes over time. What comforts someone one week may not help the next. Be flexible. Ask, don’t assume.
Remember: grief may be singularly ours, but no one should feel they have to face it alone.
How do I support someone who has other children grieving too?
If your grieving friend is also parenting other children, they’re likely overwhelmed. Kids grieve differently, sometimes in silence, sometimes with anger, or even humor. Offer practical help with meals, rides, or schoolwork.
Also remember: asking, “How are the kids doing?” opens space for deeper conversations about what they need too.
What are fair and unfair categories of grief?
Some people feel like certain losses “should” hurt more, like losing a spouse vs. a pet, or a child vs. a parent. But grief doesn’t follow fair and unfair categories. Every relationship is unique. Every loss matters.
Avoid judging grief or comparing it. Just honor the pain that’s present.
What if the grieving person works in the news business or a high-stress job?
When someone who’s used to dealing with bad news professionally (like in the news business) experiences personal loss, it may hit in unexpected ways. They might seem detached, or overly composed.
Check in anyway. Even if they’ve immediately rolled into work mode, that doesn’t mean they’re okay. Remind them it’s okay to not be okay.
How can I show support without making things worse?
Simple: listen more than you speak. Don’t rush them to accept life as it is now. Don’t tell them to “move on.” Instead, offer consistency, empathy, and patience.
A good rule is: if the words felt more about easing your discomfort than helping them, pause. Breathe. Offer presence instead of answers.
My daughter’s hunch is that her friend is hiding their grief, should I say something?
Yes, gently. Trust your daughter’s hunch, teens often sense things before adults do. Let her know it’s okay to reach out. A quiet message like, “I’m here if you ever want to talk,” make a huge difference.
